Stuff on my heart today

Psalm 42:5 "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him."

This week, I've had a rotten attitude. What makes it even more pronounced is that it comes on the heels of several weeks of renewal, refocus, rededication, and redirection in my heart, marriage, and life. I don't know why I'm in a lousy mood. I don't know why my first response wants to be sarcasm or irritation with Curt, like the "old" (6 weeks ago) days. I even began a new Bible study called "Can We Talk" that focuses this week on the tongue and calls upon God to bring revelation and conviction re: my words. I was so convicted on day one that I sat and cried, and determined I would apologize to my family for some specific behavior God put His finger on.

That very night, rather than humility and apology, I offered impatience and frustration, and felt as though my every limit was taxed to the max. The next day--same thing! Aaaarrrgghh! I felt as though the enemy had camped on my doorstep and in a couple of days had undone everything God had accomplished lately.

Then I read Psalm 42:5. For most of my life, when I read something like this, because I knew David was reacting to big, hairy events like someone trying to kill or dethrone him, I would minimize the application to my measly situations. But then I realized--my heart feels despair (or at least huge disappointment) over my behavior, and my soul is disturbed (whether from hormones or rainy weather, I don't know), making me more vulnerable to my dark side and Satan's nitpicking.

Yet, I hope in God. In Him, there is always hope. My lapses do not diminish His work in me, nor reflect in any way on His power to continue and complete that work. I hope in God. Not in me, or the weather, or any other fickle thing. I hope in God. He will continue His work, I will see progress and change, and "I shall again praise Him". Thank you, God!

Food for Thought--Dedicated to Sarah Brooks

"A recent study shows that pulling your hair back in a ponytail is not the same thing as taking a shower."

This and That

I'm in the middle of a day and a half breather between trips. Last week was awesome! Malibu's weather was perfection and the Pepperdine Lectures were as wonderful as ever. I read a blog by someone who said Pepperdine still out-performs all the others, even though the others are good. I totally agree, but I've often wondered how much of that is location. I mean, after all, a view of the Pacific and perfect weather 24/7? Abilene, Searcy, etc are at a definite disadvantage from the get-go.

Anyway, when people ask how the lectures were, I've had fun telling them that I thought the Thursday night keynote was especially good. Curt did an amazing job, obviously empowered and impassioned by the Spirit. Because his message was very personal, it really touched a chord with so many in the audience, which was exactly what we had prayed for. The Pepperdine Lectures have blessed us so much in the past 22 years, in fact, Curt might not be in full-time ministry today had we not attended that event in years past. It was such a sweet moment to see Curt on the stage and experience God's blessing coming full circle. By the tears evidenced and comments made afterward, the message gave hope to several who were on the verge of giving up on our fellowship. Praise God!

Then, we got to follow that mountain-top experience (no pun intended) with seeing Sarah and Taylor receive their degrees on Saturday. It was definitely a highlight of our lives! The wedding in January, Curt delivering a keynote at Pepperdine, and our children now graduated from college...2009 has been an incredible year! I am SO proud of our family!!!

I had a long brunch with Sharon, Jean and Sandy today. Thank you, God, for these dear women. They are such a blessing in my life, and I didn't even know their names until 2 years ago. I can only imagine how wonderful heaven will be when I get to meet and spend all the time I want with fellow believers that I never even met in this life. It's a good thing it'll be an eternal place.

I'm headed off in a couple of hours to Arkansas for my niece's graduation. I'm really looking forward to having some time with Mom, Dad and my brother's family, even though the time will be very short. Next week, we'll head to Illinois for a visit with the Sparks clan. Kathy told me a couple of days ago that she thinks Glenn is in the early stages of Alzheimer's, and Barb and Marj agree with her. But he gets really upset and refuses to talk about it or seek a doctor's help for it. I hope Curt will be able to soften him up and get him to at least go see a doctor. Evidently some of the medicine available now will slow or halt the progression for many years, but it can't undo damage that's already occurred. What makes some people so resistant to seeking help? Especially when it can make such a difference in the long run? That really frustrates me, and I DON'T want to be like that!

"Let's Get Together Sometime!"

There are so many amazing people in this world, and I am incredibly blessed to have met a large number of them through the years. Weekly, almost daily, I think about how I'd love to see a person I knew in a previous life (as in another place--not another body, although in my younger years I was definitely in a different body), or someone I speak to casually at church and feel an instant connection and a desire to get past the surface talk with them. I am fortunate to have several lunch buddies that occasionally join me at local restaurants for good food and better conversation. We often sit for 2 or 3 hours just enjoying each other's company and encouraging each other in our faith. (And yes, I always leave a hefty tip when we've tied up a table that long. I want the server to be glad to see me in the future.) Still, by comparison, I don't even come close to spending time with as many people as I'd like. Life just keeps happening, excuses are made, busyness prevails, and in what seems like the blink of an eye, the months and subsequent years go by.

Then there are weekends like this one, where God just plans the encounter for me. It's like He says, "Ok, Nedra, since you aren't making the time for this relationship, I will make it for you. Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll throw in a special surprise you would never expect." On Friday morning, Robin texted a few of us that her friend wouldn't be able to meet her in Wichita for the Women Walking with God conference that night, and would one of us like to make a girlfriend trip? Now Robin is one of those aforementioned people. She actually falls in the "instant connection-want to talk past the surface-let's get together sometime soon" category. As a fellow minister's wife, we have a lot in common and very few "safe" places where we can talk openly. So I said "I'm in!" (Aren't you proud of my spontaneity?), and we talked non-stop for the 3 hours down and back, late night in the hotel, and every chance we had in between.

Sandwiched in the middle of that came the surprise. I was walking toward the front of the room to say hello to a friend who was on the program and a young woman from OP called out "Nedra!" in a very excited voice. I thought, "That's Denise. From Overland Park. Why is she acting so excited, like she hasn't seen me in years? Or...is she someone else from my life and I mistakenly think she's Denise?" (That's when sheer panic began to set in, and all these thoughts raced through my mind in a matter of seconds.) Sure enough, it was Denise, but the surprise (and the cause for the excitement) was the woman standing next to her--her grandmother from Lubbock, TX. This dear woman and her husband were church leaders in Hobbs, NM when Curt was preaching there. Joe and Jerry were encouragers, listeners, builder-uppers, examples in wisdom and love for the 8 years we knew them, during the time we were learning the ministry ropes and starting our family. They had a profound influence in our lives and poured buckets of Godly blessings over us simply by living their lives of quiet service and kindness. Just to throw my arms around Jerry and squeeze her senseless was delightful. It was heavenly. Literally.

For all the times I wish I could see those people from my past and can't, or share an afternoon coffee with the "Hi! How are you? I'm fine" friends today and don't, I know God has an amazing experience waiting for us in heaven. Just think--no time constraints, no tired bodies, no fading memories, no too-busy schedules. And God is so good to let us get a taste of that here and now through road trips to Wichita and hugs from Jerry.

Where's my lampshade?

Curt and I have been going through boxes in the attic today. Mind you, this is only one of several LARGE storage areas in our house that is crammed full of (this one's for you, Sarah) crap (it seemed the only truly appropriate descriptor under the circumstances, even though my parent-tapes are screaming in my head, "NO! Not THAT word!!"). We've only made it through about 2/3 of the first storage area, but I have to admit it's quite a fulfilling process. It's also extremely frustrating. Where in the world did all this c--p come from? Did I actually like this stuff at some stage in my development? Will I like it again in a few years?

You know, I'm not a gambler and have no desire to be. I've never purchased even a lottery ticket. Okay, there was that one time I bought 5 raffle tickets for a fundraiser at our son's school, won the drawing, had my picture in the paper, and nearly got my husband fired, but that's a story for another time. But I swear cleaning out the attic is akin to the rush and remorse gamblers must feel when they take a risk. If I throw this c--p out today, will it suddenly become valuable in 10 years and provide financial security for my husband and me and a legacy for our grandchildren? If I keep it, will my children curse me forever for leaving it for them to sort and throw out when I'm gone? I'm convinced storage areas like this are room-sized petrie dishes. They must be reproducing. Think about it--it's dark and warm, albeit dry, unless you have a roof or basement leak. The pile of c--p seems to be growing bigger every year.

But some of the c--p you find is not c--p at all. It's actually quite cool. Journals from my faith quest, baby pictures of every person in the family, toys that the kids played with--several of which Curt made, souvenirs from our years in Ireland, Jared's baby clothes, Sarah's favorite books, MK's Bible (sorry!), my old Barbies, Curt's erector set (no jokes, please), and--hallelujah!--the glass lampshade for Curt's desk light that we've been looking for since we moved a year ago.

It's been a special stroll down memory lane...but I'm glad we didn't wait until July.

And so it begins...

Here I am. Blogging. My husband has been saying I should blog. My daughter signed off her email tonight with "get a blog". So, it's only appropriate that I dedicate this first post to them both.

How DO you begin a blog? Where do you start? How much do you say? How much do you NOT say? Who in the world will ever want to read any of it anyway? But really, that's not the point, is it? For me, the point is to find a platform, a voice for all the stuff that is constantly rambling around in my mind. Perhaps when I see it in black and white on the page, it will begin to make sense and maybe even develop a life of its own with purpose and direction.

That's what I'd love. To see something from within my heart and soul live outside of me and somehow make a difference. Actually, I've already experienced the wonder of that many times over through the beautiful, amazing people that others refer to as my children. Kudos to Jared and Sarah for the blessing they are to so many.

And my husband...well, there's no way I could begin to describe what a wonderful man he is. His impact in my life is immeasurable. I love him. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about all the things I should say to him instead of the things I do say. Any time an impatient word comes out of my mouth or a flash of irritation toward him comes over me I think, "What is wrong with me?" Quickly followed by an arrow prayer, "Guard my tongue. Please." Curt could definitely win a contest for the considerate husbands. He is loving, affirming, understanding, and he even LIKES to go shopping with me. What more can I say?!

And so begins the blogging. But a first post could never fulfill its purpose without giving honor the other man in my life, the one that keeps loving me into becoming a better me. He is incredibly patient and forgiving, and so deep that after all these years together, I'm only just beginning to know him. Jesus, this is for you.