Stuff on my heart today

Psalm 42:5 "Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why have you become disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him."

This week, I've had a rotten attitude. What makes it even more pronounced is that it comes on the heels of several weeks of renewal, refocus, rededication, and redirection in my heart, marriage, and life. I don't know why I'm in a lousy mood. I don't know why my first response wants to be sarcasm or irritation with Curt, like the "old" (6 weeks ago) days. I even began a new Bible study called "Can We Talk" that focuses this week on the tongue and calls upon God to bring revelation and conviction re: my words. I was so convicted on day one that I sat and cried, and determined I would apologize to my family for some specific behavior God put His finger on.

That very night, rather than humility and apology, I offered impatience and frustration, and felt as though my every limit was taxed to the max. The next day--same thing! Aaaarrrgghh! I felt as though the enemy had camped on my doorstep and in a couple of days had undone everything God had accomplished lately.

Then I read Psalm 42:5. For most of my life, when I read something like this, because I knew David was reacting to big, hairy events like someone trying to kill or dethrone him, I would minimize the application to my measly situations. But then I realized--my heart feels despair (or at least huge disappointment) over my behavior, and my soul is disturbed (whether from hormones or rainy weather, I don't know), making me more vulnerable to my dark side and Satan's nitpicking.

Yet, I hope in God. In Him, there is always hope. My lapses do not diminish His work in me, nor reflect in any way on His power to continue and complete that work. I hope in God. Not in me, or the weather, or any other fickle thing. I hope in God. He will continue His work, I will see progress and change, and "I shall again praise Him". Thank you, God!